Perfection is overrated.

Even Peter Parker had to justify his identity.

2009-12-20T09:33:14Z

I don't know how this came about. One minute I was just washing th dirty dishes, and th next minute I was thinking about myself. Like, not just random thinking about how fat I was/am, how I'm feeling for th day, where I am right now. But I truly thought of my true self, how I came to be here, being who I am & stuff like that. & I guess I just felt like establishing myself. Wear my heart upon my sleeve & be vulnerable & show everyone who I rly am.

On th surface, I'm a very jovial bubbly person. Even in th most awkward situations, I have almost no problem exuding optimism, composure & amiable personality. I like making friends, widening social circle & I enjoy th comfort of having people around me, esp people that I know & are comfortable around me as well. I am bold/daring, definitely. I have plenty of examples to justify that, if people are doubtful of this statement, but I'm pretty much sure people are generally aware of this fact already.

Some might mistake it as confidence. I won't deny that I am confident, but only to a certain degree. I'm pretty much insecure & uncertain most of th time as well. I'm confident in my comfort zone, but not in an entirely new/alien area. But being brave is something I can muster easily. Which is why people wonder how I can dine by my own, watch movies on my own, go shopping by myself, etc. I'm not totally confident of myself, but I'm brave enough to do things on my own & facing responsibilities/consequences.

I am domineering at times, I won't deny that. Be it in conversations, in action, among friends, etc. This is partly due to my insecurities, I guess. I want to be in th spotlight during these occasions because I want to be heard, to be seen, to be known. It's not exactly a very lovely/admirable trait but it's just who I am & at least I face up to it. That's why I'm loud & talkative pretty often. I'm also very open & honest (sometimes it crosses th boundaries!). & when I quickly pick up th body signs/facial expressions expressing displeasure about my honest opinion, I become very sensitive.

Yes, I'm an emotional & sensitive person. I fear disappointment, rejection & failure greatly. When I get reprimanded for disappointing someone, or for producing below-satisfactory work, it affects me greatly. Sometimes they haunt me for days on end; I constantly let it rest at th front of my mind, lingering & dominating my thoughts. Most of th time they seem to help me to redeem myself & get me to improve, but it also annoys me that I cannot easily conquer these fears. Because these are no small fears (eg: fear of cockroaches, fear of ghosts, etc.).

You can say I'm also a superficial person. I look at things material-wise first, th inner qualities later. Which makes me a very impulsive person. When it comes to shopping, I hear of sales & I immediately dash to th nearest outlet to get my hands on anything affordable & pretty; later on in th day I'll regret spending money on those things I'm probably not gonna wear for another 4yrs. Thank God I'm beginning to improve in that department. But I'm not exactly cured in that sense.

That's why sometimes it irks people how I can easily fall for guys. I have nothing to hide - crushes? I've had countless. I'm easily attracted for th simple reason that I always get swept off my feet laying eyes on th first cute person I see. I don't even need to know th person's identity first, just recognizing th face, having a slight connection, & I can go on about said person over th next few weeks, if not months. & y'know what? I'm not in th slightest bit disturbed by this side of me. I mean, for one, it interests my friends about all my "happening" moments. Also, I understand th kind of people I like to hang out with, th lads I tend to go for, stuff like that.

Recently I've developed a liking for th nightlife. Partly it's due to my work; I find things to distract me from th activities that I truly hate but am tied down to. So I fill up my calendar as much as possible; especially having freedom with money, I go out & enjoy myself. So from now till 30th June 2010, my iTouch calendar is going to be filled as much as possible for me to look forward to exciting things, rather than just boring work which I believe is slowly gonna be shit for me as th wks go past, since my manager is gonna expect my work standard to increase forty-fold!

I'm a dreamer. A huuuuuge dreamer. I guess because I'm an only child, having freedom to be on my own. I dreamt that I was a rockstar, I dreamt I was an actress. I dreamt I was dating a hot & fabulous musician, I dreamt I was a billionaire's daughter, I dreamt I was an angmoh, I dreamt I had a pair of fantastic, hot & supportive older brother & sister sibling duet. I even dreamt I was a royalty. & because I fantasize so much, it makes me hate reality even more than I already do at times. In addition, I believe I'm busted if anyone could ever read my mind.

I'm quite a vindictive person. I'm also very short-tempered in nature. I guess I always tried to be more tolerant or patient, but I'm just born like that. & I know it perturbs my friends & family quite often. I harbour emotions very extremely; if someone holds a grudge against me, I take it rly personally & won't find a resolution to it unless th person comes clean about his/her feelings towards me. Similarly, I can stay angry/disappointed/indifferent, etc, to anybody for as long as I live. Yes, I can sleep peacefully at night being like that. As I said earlier on, not everything about me is great.

But in any case, I'm a very family- and friends-oriented person. I rly cannot do without my family, extended ones included, as well as my greatest bunch of friends. Despite me having some undesirable character qualities, th fact that they're always so appreciative, supportive, encouraging, & loyal makes me rly warm-hearted & thank God every day for th blessings.

I'm not th most pious person, but I embrace God's love & I know that in spite of all my sins & my non-righteous way of life, He is always looking out for me. & as long as I acknowledge Him, I devote my entire faith, life & destiny in His hands, I'm gonna be okay because He's th Almighty & He's th greatest great of all. & so I love Him with my entire being.

I also love you for reading through this. Now that you know who I truly am, hi, I'm Faizzah. (:

Less than 3,
F.

There's nothing left to say, hush hush

2009-12-19T08:58:40Z

I'm extremely tired & th weather is oh-so-shiok to sleep all day & all night long. Makes me feel regret all over again for finding work vvvv soon. I should've seen th signs that I haven't enjoyed enough & all. But neh mind I'll be thinking of th money. Though right now I must do lots of homework & try to learn about IT stuff as much as possible. Die manxz.

Anw Diana's ballet concert last night was great. I mean, how do you describe or give comments for a ballet concert, especially one that you've attended for th first time? Th seniors had pretty outfits lah omg & Diana was rly graceful & stuff. But th little kids (esp th boys in toy soldiers outfit dancing to Wind It Up) are damn adorable. & th choreographer's (or at least I think it's th choreographer) grandson is soooooooo cute in th tuxedo I hope Sam caught it on camera. [: All in all we had a great time.

& then Supperclub was, hmm. I was something like a bummer I think 'cause all night I kept telling Lou that I was darn upset hot guy wasn't there. But thank God because slowly I began enjoying. Saw familiar faces like Shaun Ng, Roy Tong, & we (Louisa & I) made friends with Anirudh. Ok, wait, lemme rephrase. He made friends with us rofl. Don't ask how or why, I'm too lazy to go into details but basically it was a kinda crazy night with drunk people groping one another at th dancefloor & many not-up-to-standard angmohs.

& then this morning I found out hot guy wasn't there because he wasn't in town. In fact, he invited me to another Supperclub event tonight (th one that he is attending for real) & y'know what? I'm not going.

I don't understand where I've gone wrong! Grr. I wish I can go. If I have enough courage to ask my dad. But it seems like it's a no-no for now. Argh whatever I'm gonna go crack my brain with web apps studies & IT infra & MS SQL shit stuff like that.

Less than 3,
F.

PS: Btw did I mention I've a great friend/colleague? Her name's Evelyn, & she looks so much like Ong Rui Lin, it's scary! Th other colleagues are great too! (:

oestrogen_rush @ 2009-12-15T21:04:00

2009-12-15T13:04:46Z

I can come home everyday from work, whining & grumbling & hating my job (publishing it for all to see right here in my blog). I shan't lie; I'll say it point blank that if I knew this is th exactly what I'd be doing, I'd turn down th offer at th very first chance I get, forget humiliation, embarrassment or causing th consultants to laugh at me behind my back. I think my presence now is causing even more slowdown esp for my manager because everytime I report to her about th candidate that I've called up, there is always something wrong/missing with that phone interview. Then I'd agitate th candidates because I've to call 'em up even up to 3 times in th same day.

I'm physically tired right now, mentally broken down too. At work just now I had to go between th 11th & 12th floor for at least 20million times, liaised with how many diff consultants I've never met before; just taking orders from my manager, looking like a fool. I had to edit CVs at my manager's computer & she had like 137million resumes & folders & everything else, it was so overwhelming I seriously felt like crying. But on th 2nd day?!

No. I can come home everyday from work, whining & grumbling & hating my job; but as mentioned, "Tough times don't last. Tough people do." & y'know what? Today my manager was defo more pleased with my progress than yesterday; at least today I managed to send out 2-3 candidates to potential clients. Of course with th help of my manager & assistance of consultants too but, I'm slowly getting th hang of things. Though I still have more to learn; it just pisses me off everytime I have to interview someone & my manager always seem to find loopholes in them. Forgive me but Idk shit about IT & Java & network & implementation/support right. (CUONG I NEED YOUR HELP SIAH!)

Now I'm going to read up stuff on wiki about IT infrastructure & network architecture, etc. & this is not even half of what I actually need to know. Something tells me I'm gonna end up falling aslp in front of th comp, so goodnight.

Btw, when they said I end work at 6pm everyday, that's a lie. I ended at 6.45 yesterday, 7 today. Nothing to cheer about; no OT pay thanks. More scrutiny though. & I hate feeling guilty that th people I have to go lunch w/ have to cater to my Halal dining. They've to limit options for me. Shit I'm hating myself.

Less than 3,
F.

Phones ringing every 20secs.

2009-12-14T13:39:14Z

I defo have 1001 things to share about my work. Ok first & foremost lemme explain to you people that I'm working in th office tower of Ngee Ann City (beside/inside Takashimaya). I'm an admin asst, but contrary to our initial thoughts, it's NOTHING to do with clerical duties; min. photocopying, no way am I a beck-and-call girl, not a coffee girl, nothing of that sort.

Today, first day of work, in my 2nd hr, alrdy I had to ans phone calls from people who are seeking jobs. That's right; my job is actually about service line; it's a recruiting firm, so I handle calls from prospective employees, within th firm itself (one of th high-position personnel called & I thought she was a commoner; she giggled over th phone telling me who she really is; I swear I blushed & th heat spread all th way to th other end yo!), & maybe even possible clients selling vacant jobs. Not only that, I call up prospective candidates, set interviews for them, phone interview with them, ans calls & direct them to th other consultants, edit CVs, report to my manager. Btw, did I mention I'm working directly under my manager? So much for "admin asst"; I was hoping I'd get a decent, not-so-stressful consultant but no I got th tigress herself.

I must say th 1st day of work & I felt kinda like shit. I mean, I was th rookie, th noob; I was under pretty intense scrutiny & sitting like a piece of useless rock at th seat while great amount of flurry is happening arnd me is a shit feeling for sure. Like, y'know, "Why th heck am I paid so much to sit & idle away? I must do something productive! BUT WHAT?!" Yeah that feeling is damn sucky. & worse than feeling useless, you feel bored, you feel sleepy, oh my God I could've died. Thank God things started picking up during th 2nd half of th day (but damn intense after that!) & yeah.

I have nice colleagues though. I made friends with Evelyn & Rachel, who are sitting opposite & beside me respectively (well, with respect to Joe's place; Joe is my consultant & that's why I'm sharing space w/ him) Another why I felt like f**k just now was because I kinda invaded his & Rachel's place, so now there are 3 of us & Elayne, my manager insisted that we sat in that arrangement so that I can learn more from 2 of th consultants. Actually they're all nice & supportive. When I answered calls & re-directed to th other consultants, they didn't think twice about thanking me & ackowledging; I mean, yes it's their job to do such things but I could tell they're really trying to make me get used to th fast-paced job as a whole & I truly appreciated that.

I still have much to learn but in a very very very very short amount of time so I hope I don't appear as foolish tomorrow; I HATE disappointing people, especially my manager & consultants. FREAK.

Oh, did I mention that I'm working in th IT/Infocomms/Telco division of this firm too? Means I was jungle-lost just now when they spewed out terms like "NSC", "PL/SQL", "WinTel", "Oracle" & so on. OMG I MUST READ UP ON ALL THESE OTHERWISE I DIEEEEEE. Anyone reading this, pls pray & wish me th bestest of luck okay I truly need it & appreciate it thanks.

Now I need to sleep (th earliest in th entire year - 9.35pm now) because I'm sleepy like hell. But something tells me (& scientifically proven too) that if I sleep earlier th more tired I'll feel tomorrow morning. Sigh. Time to remove make-up first then.

Less than 3,
F.

PS: Oh best part of th job - I'm th only Malay around & they're rather uncomfortable w/ me having a very Malay name. So I have an alter ego (Deanna; pronounce Dee-yeah-nah) so feel free to call me that from now on. It's an office name - people know I'm Nurul Faizzah, but give it a shot. I'll probably still respond outside office hours & Ngee Ann City.

PPS: I wish I can attend those parties @ Supperclub held over th next few days. Freak, I can't! ):

Don't make me a monster.

2009-12-13T07:27:17Z

Y'know what?
Fuck love.
I'm so numb right now I can't even feel disappointed & humiliated anymore.

F.

Bunches of alphabets.

2009-12-12T12:53:11Z

It's interesting to read some of th things your friends wrote on their blogs. Esp if you went on hiatus, & suddenly you randomly click "friends page" (lj function) & you see their ramblings on their own blogs. Some good, some bad, some sad, some pissed off, some excited. & I wonder where I have been all this while, not being able to share those emotions w/ them.

I'm feeling in love now is anyone sharing this with me?

& btw have you ever had this annoying feeling, like you stare at a particular word for too long, until it slowly doesn't make sense to you. Try "word" as an example. After a while you'll start to wonder, why is "word" spelt that way? Why do we pronounce is as "w-err-d" & not "woh-rd". Why is "word" word?!

& why is "love" love. That's it I'm officially a goner okay.

Less than 3,
F.

As if you have a choice.

2009-12-12T08:19:12Z

As I predicted, I totally lost my dignity. This is what insanity feels like - out of control.

On a lighter note, went out shopping for work clothes today. Something about "corporate office", "formal" & "admin. asst." doesn't register into my mother's brain I tell you. She kept showing me those sort of clothes ah mas wear to th market, or clothes w/ ugly laces & such. I found an easy way to describe to her exactly how I should be dressed ("Picture a lawyer going into court!") & she found some okay slacks, okay skirts & still-quite-disastrous blouses. So in short, I told her thanks for th 2 bottoms we both agreed on today, but decided that I shall find more clothes in due time, ON MY OWN.

& not to mention, every half hour she brought up th issue of my salary. My God, if I knew how stingy my mother can be, I would've found a job that paid me like $2k or something, or better yet, not find work at all! Isn't it bad enough at age 18, I have to begin paying taxes & contribute to CPF. Th latter, I'm not so perturbed; it's th former that irks me. Just a few mths ago we kept sniggering at th adults working & having to pay taxes (y'know, Econs: disposable income - income after th deduction of taxes, etc.). & now I'm going down th same lane! Pish posh, I'm gonna understand how tough it is to be living in SG vvvvvv soon!

I mean, seriously; if you take out a $100 note, look past th value, th serial code, etc. It's just an ordinary piece of orange paper (albeit no ordinary type of paper!), thinner than your IC & EZ-Link cards. But that ordinary piece of note can sometimes bring out th uglier side of human beings, don't you think? How greed comes about, jealousy, hatred, crimes & deaths can erupt just from th mere possession of many many of such notes.

It's a love-hate relationship w/ money, or power struggle, your pick.
In my case, I love to have a lot of money, but I hate to know that even my loved ones can expose their undesirable natures in th face of money. If you watch this documentary titled "Meet The Natives", you'll understand where those people from th under-developed/developing countries are coming from, saying how ugly th people of developed nations rly are when it comes to wealth.

I'm thankful I can appreciate th finer side of life, such as love (hee hee!) & friendship & good music & knowledge (& I don't mean mugging & stuff, more like researching on my own, finding out things about th world & not be ridiculously dumb/clueless!) Which is why I'm hoping hoping hoping all hope is not lost & that th hot guy will make my wish come true!

Less than 3,
F.

I woke up today being a totally different person.

2009-12-11T10:27:57Z

So in less than 24hrs, plenty of people already found out that I've found th hot guy on facebook. Even th slowpoke Louisa caught his name (Idk how!) so means it's really pretty obvious. & I'm typing this in th most matter-of-fact way because I am damn malu beyond imagination & I am so ready to be shot dead. But something more than just th embarrassment, I actually DO want to engage him in a convo.

But exactly what do you say to a guy whom you think is oh-so-fine, "hot as hell", & you added to be in your friends list when you two don't know each other save for 15mins of dancing in a puny nightclub. If that's not hard enough, what do you say to appear sincere & not like some kind of stalker, desperate & disgusting person (esp since your fb pg is infested w/ talk about said hot fella).

"Hi, thanks for accepting th request"? (?!?!?!?!?)
"Hey, d'you happen to remember me?" (wow, ultimate)
"Hi, I kinda remembered you & just added, hoping we'd be friends" (Har-dee-har 'friends' alrdy sound bad since I exposed to th whole world my true thoughts of him)

Seriously wtf is wrong with me, honestly! Before all this I was just, okay, maybe see a guy that I rly liked because of personality, character, etc. & I'll know that person, in person. We're friends, before things begin to blossom. But this, some random guy just happened to entertain me by sharing a few dances & I cannot get over it! It's literally some person by chance cross my path & I become chaotic.

I'm losing control!
Omg plz talk to me plz plz plz plz hot guy!

Less than 3,
F.

This just in, I've defo gone insane.

I was disgusted with myself.

2009-12-10T23:31:42Z

Another piece of good news that I received yesterday (well I was informed of it today, but technically it came yesterday). I AM A RECEIPIENT OF THE EAGLES AWARD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Funny, just last night otw home Jasmine & I were saying how we bade farewell to bursary awards like so long ago since our results were all so atrocious.

& this morning, before I turned on th computer, I saw a letter with "EDUSAVE AWARDS" printed at th top of th envelope. Omg good luck is coming my way, from a simple prayer to God yesterday. I guess all it takes is a little acknowledge to the Great One, & my promise of servitude, & things will go well for me.

Will update later when more happening things take place.
& I rly hope Wenz gets through her interview. Having company @ Ngee Ann City will defo help much! [:

Less than 3,
F.

'cause God's all it takes.

2009-12-10T16:37:59Z

Today must be like th best day of my life, & lemme tell you why.

1. I GOT THE JOB!
Yep, say hello to th newest employee @ Ngee Ann City Tower. For th umpteenth time I shall explain that I'm a temp admin asst, but not just th ordinary clerical duty, photocopy-galxzzzz okay! My job requires me to be in suits, blazers & heels. Requires me to interview candidates, headhunting, etc. In other words, it's cool like that (: Just th job I've been dreaming about almost my entire life. Th NYC of Singapore hee hee.

2. BLOCKS/XX's 18th
So it isn't 16 but so what? That grl's gonna be in Taiwan on her bday anw. Anw it's less than a wk to her actual birthday so it's considered okay. We've waited far too long for her to turn 18 yo [: She was totally caught off-guard (Watch movie right, Xuan? Storm Warriors, yeah sure thing. Maybe when you return to SG lah okay!). Marina Barrage picnic-style birthday celebration was amazing (even if it was in th dark) + getting excited over stars/satellite/planes & that dude's awesome kite (& his skills!). In short, Blocks outing success again. Missing Gary though, pfft.

& of course, waiting almost an hour for them. (5pm SHARP SHARP, Dot? Yeah, surely).

3. HOT DUDE: FOUND!
Exactly what I said. I'm happy & excited beyond belief I have no idea why.

I have a good feeling why great things happen for me today. Because I prayed to God to grant me my wishes, & He never fails anyone. & I shall not fail Him either. That's a promise.

Less than 3,
F.

PS: I'm going to rly faint man. Out of sheer happiness. [:

Have faith, restart.

2009-12-09T02:45:45Z

I received two phone calls from recruiting agencies this morning, in th close proximity of 20mins. And both, I had to feign disinterest because I have a job interview later at 2pm, which I'm very excited but nervous about. Worse still, I'd feel bummed out if I don't get th job & th companies that called me this morning decide to pass me. Damnxzzzzz. I hope that I get this job that I'm being interviewed for later, because it's really something that I will enjoy doing (: Plus it's at Orchardddddd can go shop after work lol.

Anyway seeing my step-relatives off last night wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. In fact, it was nice being in th company of my stepdad's family, because they're really friendly & nice people - I really felt at home, comfortable & belong (now don't preach to me about my stepdad's family being MY family too; I know). Better yet, I wish I was in their shoes, like migrating to London. They have family there waiting for them so stuff like accomodation & food are all settled. But I guess mumster had a point when we were on th way home from th airport.

It seems fine & dandy & fun to be leaving your hometown for a "greener pasture". In fact, at th first mention of London, who wouldn't want to just up & leave effing hot, small, boring ol' city-state of Singapore right? My God, London's th home of high-end lifestyle, cool weather, you get to wear trench coats & gloves & LV earmuffs all year round. But if you think of th HOME you're leaving behind; th jobs you had to give up; th schools you had to drop out from; th accessibility of th country (Which country can you visit that can take you from th East to th West in a matter of 2.5hrs?!) & all th things you've got used to your whole life (yup, th stress included).

Are you actually willing to part with that, all for another livelihood in another country of which weather you're not accustomed to, transportations & communications you're not comfortable with, food you don't quite enjoy, jobs you don't know you're getting just yet. In other words, you're giving up stability to be in a state of limbo.

& then what if you don't get a stable enough job to bring in enough income to support your family; what if you just can't seem to adapt to th climate; or if you can't get into a school and/or find means to go to school of your liking, such as accessible, 5mins walk to th bus stop to take a straight bus en route your destination. Worse still, you can't return home because you've already given up th job that you worked your ass off to receive in th first place; you can't easily re-enrol your children into their former schools; and your home is already in th market ready to be sold.

Is th grass truly greener on th other side?
I know for certain, that after last night's discussion with my parents & my stepdad's niece (who got a lift from us), I'm not giving up my place in Singapore for th world.

Less than 3,
F.

So good till it goes bad.

2009-12-08T11:37:06Z

This is defo resurrection at its best. & yes I've Twitter (@th4letterFword, fyi) but sometimes 140 characters just don't do justice to your thoughts, no? Blogs are still by far one of th best online creations, be it just to puke nonsensical strings of words or to really speak your mind.

Anyway! Th hiatus has done me good. Since th last time I posted, alot of things have happened. Th more significant ones include:
1. A's are f**king over! (: Worth swearing, I tell you.
2. Prom is over too (just last night, actually). & Post-Prom was th best thing that ever happened to me, thanks to that random dude I danced with. Gosh.
3. I have much freedom to go out, enjoy, & that included me hanging out w/ Blocks again! Those idiots I missed terribly (& pangseh-ed 24/7 since th Cold War).

Funny how I got so excited reviving my blog, & now I'm staring at my mug, wondering what else to type. In any case, I've to get ready soon, to go see off some distant relatives who are migrating to England. Lucky people. I guess I'm in a slightly annoying mood because of what happened last night & I don't appreciate stepfathers yelling/being irritated at you for no apparent reason. Sometimes I feel like killing him I swear; irrational as it sounds at times I feel th death sentence/jail is pretty worth it. Pfft. & he's making such a big deal about his relatives leaving for England, like relax lah when they were around you hardly visited them anyway.

Whatever I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut & I know that time will fly by pretty fast & before we know it tomorrow will come & he won't be able to bother me anymore because he'll be at work & I have a job interview to attend to. Wish me luck, whoever who's reading this right now.

Maybe I'll write about Prom/Post-Prom tomorrow, when I feel much better [:

Less than 3,
F.

She's only a picture on a magazine.

2009-04-18T13:56:24Z

I just typed an extremely long negative dreadful whiny post. With a simple right-click, "Select All", a quick push of the "Delete" button, I got rid of all the miseries I've felt for the past few days.

HA! Who am I kidding? If only problems in life could go away as easily as that. At least I have friends, family, & God to support me, & I'm thankful enough as of now.

Love,
NRLFZZH.

PS: But really, how's life?

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.

2009-04-11T14:05:24Z

It is too much a coincidence, or rather, it is so apt that this week's PC on Moodle forum is "Life In A Love" by Robert Browning.

Escape me?
Never-
Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
So long as the world contains us both,
Me the loving and you the loth,
While the one eludes, must the other pursue.
My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here?
It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one's eyes and laugh at a fall.
And baffled, get up to begin again, -
So the chase takes up one's life, that's all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound,
At me so deep in the dust and dark!
No sooner the old hope drops to ground
Than a new one, straight to the selfsame mark,
I shape me-
Ever
Removed!

How did things come to Cloud 9?

Love,
NRLFZZH.

You'll never walk alone.

2009-03-15T03:39:20Z

I highly doubt Rafael Benitez might ever in his entire life as manager of Liverpool Football Club, stumble upon my blog. But just for the record, RAFA!, FAFA LOVES YOU MANY MANY! (:

Bountiful love for my unsung heroes: Torres, Gerrard, Aurelio & Dossena.
Time & again, I keep telling people, true LFC supporters will stand by The Reds, despite their many defeats in recent years. Lo & behold!,
We Sang You'll Never Walk Alone With Such Pride At Old Trafford.

(I don't even care if you haters think our joy & victory is merely ephemeral; we shall bask in the warmth of happiness of this well-deserved win while it lasts - a lifetime)

(((((:

I ain't freakin', I ain't fakin' this.

2009-03-14T03:41:16Z

Hahahah don't know why but reading the comments that people wrote in for my posts, & all the nonsense going on in fb, makes me realise how blessed I am to have really awesome lovely friends to boot (: Makes JC life 10 gazillion times more worthwhile. Speaking of which, I really cannot believe I'm screwed for Math again. Like, againx10^(-60i). Hahah too bad not many of you don't understand that; when you start learning Complex Numbers, you'll know why. Anyway, I don't wanna get a "U" for Math for A-Levels ): *break into Smallville's Somebody Save Me*

So glad the holidays are here again & I've made a promise to really study hard this holidays. This promise I made to myself & to Someone whom I'll never actually dare go against - God. & a promise to God is a promise that is to be fulfilled. Hence I'll be studying. Not just for Econs (BT after holidays) but for all. & I vow to keep practising Math till I finally get it, & memorize Chem reactions till I can recite 'em in my sleep.

Btw I've been having funny dreams again these days. In fact, two really bizarre ones consecutively. But too bad I cannot reveal them on the blog because content not meant to be exposed just yet :D *wiggles eyebrows to Sam Tan & Leah Lam*

OK I'm gonna go do some other nonsense online before reading, & then prepare to go for Tuition. Alone. ): Deborah Nah has another tuition to make up for today. Oh well!

Bringing sexy back,
F.

PS: It feels good to have moved on. It feels... right.

Milo/MOE Youth Tryathlon 2009.

2009-03-08T04:16:01Z

I swear to God I have like, zero affinity with Sentosa Tanjong Beach. I was at that place twice in a matter of 7days, with the same bag, & stupidly enough without umbrella on both occasions, & yes, fate has it that it had to rain when I was there. However, being stuck in the rain the first time round with the touch ruggers & ruggers was much more fun than being in the same predicament the second time round, which was yesterday, attending the Milo/MOE Youth Tryathlon.

Being the first time this event was conducted, obviously there were many flaws to it but I couldn't believe how anal they were about some really logical & basic stuff, like how they didn't think about limiting the number of contestants per category. So we had like, what, 2500+ contestants. There were about 6000+ more people around that area, being the parents & supporters of the younger participants. So just imagine the chaos at Tanjong Beach only at 715 in the morning. Instructions weren't clear even among the officials, like you can tell. Here's one example to substantiate my point.

Being in a queue, apparently to register...
F: Hi, is this the queue to register?
Official: Yes, but do you have your race ticket & the wristband?
F: *waves ticket in his face* And is this the wristband you're talking about? *points to wristband*
O: You're to have your race ticket, which you have, and the race wristband *indicating to my wristband*
F: RACE wristband? This wristband I'm wearing is the one I got from placing my belongings at the baggage drop.
O: Err, baggage drop?

Even their people didn't know what baggage drops are! Bomb right? & they issued 1001 wristbands for every single thing that needed to be registered/loaned, etc. So I had 1 wristband for baggage drop, Deborah had 3 (2 for bike, 1 for baggage drop), & Dutt had 1 just like me. By the end of it they were all confused by the difference in the wristbands.

What killed Deborah & I were the bike rental. Officials were confused among themselves, & we were confused thanks to them. Deb & I had to walk like a whole big round to find the bike transition area for Senior Team category, only to find out that the area was where we were at the start when we received the bike. My God it's damn sickening & think; we had no umbrella, the rain was rather heavy, & parents with umbrellas were busy bustling through the crowds, making sure their precious children didn't get even a single drop of rain on them. & they gave you the dirty look/make the "tsk" sound when the bike hit against you.

WELL EXCUSE ME YOUR HIGHNESS BUT IF IT WASN'T AUDIBLE ENOUGH I PRACTICALLY YELLED, "EXCUSE ME! BIKE COMING THROUGH!" All they did was just stood there under umbrellas & watched the already-drenched Deborah & me pathetically maneouvring our way through. Ass ass freaking damn ass.

And cmon, let's be reasonable. If you were an organizer for a triathlon, would you ever let the 8-11 years old team category participants compete against the 16-18 of the same category? Obviously not right? Well that was what happened yesterday. I was swimming alongside some 10years old, probably. & so was Deborah, cycling amongst them, & Dutt running with them. It was more ridiculous than it was pathetic. The journey from the open sea to the bike transition area wasn't easy at all, thanks to parents blocking our way, & I had no idea how the bikers could get their way out of the transition area after the swimmers tagged their partners. Parents were everywhere! We could hardly move damnitxz & imagine how shagged we swimmers were, we had to stand on the roads barefooted, small rocks under our feet, trying to get back to the beach, & parents were busy screaming "Go boy!" or "Be careful, dear!" while being stationary. ARGHH!

You'd think people would at least show abit of sportsmanship at events like this. Apparently not. Hope Deborah just get well soon lah. People should learn to say "Excuse me" nicely, & apologize if they've done something wrong. That would've made everything a whole lot easier.

But Singaporeans being Singaporeans, you can have ten thousand Singa lions evoking the courtesy campaign spirit among the citizens; things will always go back to square one.

Bringing sexy back,
F.

PS: Swear to God HC could probably do a better job at this.

Forever young.

2009-03-04T10:13:15Z

I sincerely apologize for not updating my blog for the longest time in the world. Then again, life is so hectic right now, more often than not I can't even keep track of time!

So yours truly turned 18 last Monday (020309). So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank as many people I can remember as possible, who have in one way or another, made my day truly special & memorable:
Agnes, Angela, Anthony, Bayu, Ben, Boon Ling, Candice, Candy, Catherine, Charlene, Christie, Cuong, Debbie, Deborah Nah!, Deborah Yew, Delia, (Mr.) Derrick Ong, Diana Ho, Edwin Chia, Ellysa, Elphin, Emi, Erfi, Esther, Farid, George Teo, Germaine Leng, Hilmi, Idzhar, Imma!, Irsyaad, Ivan, Jason, Jeg, Jie-Hui!, Jolene, Joshua Huang, Keenan, Kia Boon, Kingston, Leah, Lert, Lia!, Louisa, Ming Jie, Ming Qi, Nalina, Nandhini!, Naomi, Naz, Nicholas Chua, Nicholas Ng, Ni Ko, Norbaya, Oliver, Owen, Pamela Kong, Peng Soon, Rajan, Regina, Ricky, Rico, Sakinah, Samantha Chen, Samantha Tan, Shanad, Sihui Ang, Sirhan, Sweeney, Syafiqah Zainal, Szecindyo!, Toon Ee, Wee Kang, Wee Zong, Wei Rong, Wei Xuan, Wilson, Woei Xin, Xiao Xuan!, Yihan, Yijun, Yingjie, Yiwen, Yong Bin (Tofu), Yong Quan. & of course Mummy & Daddy.
(Apologies x 6.01x10^23 if I missed out your name! Just know that I truly appreciated your wishes, gifts, etc.)

I'm very happy today, because:
1. Gomes is the champion House for the Inter-House Girls X-Country Race Challenge, we also came in 2nd for the Boys Race. :D
2. Swimming session with Sam Tan BFF! (:

I shall elaborate slightly on the latter. Basically we went swimming because yours truly has to train for the upcoming Tryathlon. I think I GG already lah - 200m swimming in open sea, & just now I could barely swim 50m without feeling damn shagged. & trust the 2 of us to go swimming. We ended up swimming about 7laps or so (pathetic I know!), and after each lap, we gossiped & talked for like, 20mins! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. 2 interesting conversations I promised her I'll post up here:

Conversation #1:
S: (in the midst of conversation)... B is always with Ex.
F: Oh! Who is Ex ah? I heard someone (this portion undisclosed :D)
S: He's (insert rubbish, generic description).
F: Huh?
S: In school, he is always with...
Together: B.
[end]

Wlao just picture having this kind of conversation; I swear to God, it's a pure test of your intelligence y'know. I was telling Sam, it's no rocket science that EH is said to be with B always in school, since we established that B is always with EH in school, just like 30secs before that! I wish I could've just drowned myself there lol.

Conversation #2:
S: We outing on Labour Day lah.
F: Har, but Labour Day like... (whatever I mumbled that I can't even remember now)
S: Oh! How about May Day?
F: What is May Day?
S: (in the most smug face, sheepish tone) Labour Day.
[end]

Wah GG XX YY ZZ. -.-
Samantha Tan (insert Chinese name), this goes out specially to you. Gossip Girls BFF see you soon!

So anyway if you've read my entire post & see me in school tomorrow, you'll know exactly why I'm a shade darker. & I think this might be my very last entry. Come Saturday, my last picturesque moment would be of the beautiful sea of Sentosa (whichever) Beach. & when they begin the Tryathlon, & when I swim in the open sea amidst hundreds of other participants, I think I'll just drown.

We'll see about this man. I'm damn nervous damnitxz!

Bringing sexyback,
F.

Genetics.

2009-02-20T14:05:10Z

It upsets me a hell lot to find out about 3mins ago, that I'm a darn UK size 12 person.
UK Size 12. How much larger can I be -.-
& I swear to God dieting might not actually help me anymore because my bust & hips are no way in hell gonna reduce in size, unless I go for surgery, which I don't see myself in, at any point of time in my life.

UK SIZE 12 TMD!

Flowers wilt; love never wither.

2009-02-13T14:19:06Z

Omgxzxzxzxz a million thanks to very lovely people:
Deborah Nah, Deborah Yew, Leah, Valerie, Yiwen, Debbie, Oliver, Charlene, & the 8 'gentlemen' of the class, who bought the girls flowers! My sincere apologies to all these people, who've given me gifts, & I was utterly ashamed to be empty-handed & appear sheepish all day long, with "Oh thank you & you shouldn't have!" or "Dang I didn't get you anything!". Bahh but thanks to these people (thanks to youuuu), it was a pleasant day for me (:

Btw Happy Birthday Bayu & Tarandip, though I don't suppose these people are actually reading my blog to begin with! But it's fine.

If there were to be a time when I get to replicate the use of 'symbol' (literary device) into real life, today must have been the day. The flower which I received didn't even last past 2.30pm, and it's no so much about the lifespan of the flower, but rather, perhaps even the heavens are sending some signs from above. That the someone (X) who passed me the gift probably wasn't even sincere enough, or probably meant it for someone else whom X saw more worthy of the money X spent on it. This thought only kind of ran through my mind when I carried the flower to the lift lobby of my HDB flat, & the stalk basically couldn't support the flower & probably itself anymore. The flower, on the contrary, still looked fine & dandy. But I guess it translates into today's event: Appearance-wise, things are looking acceptable. But sincerity, or lack thereof, speaks, even when tongues fail to function.

Quite a pity, actually. I cannot explain why despite being treated this way I still can go on with the same kind of feelings. That I know I'm probably going to face even more upset & disappointing moments, yet I'm not doing anything to get myself out of it while I still can. I'm fighting a losing battle, & hanging on to false hopes, & I'm fine with that. Am I just pathetic or what?

Though I have X's best interest at heart & if X wants somebody else, for reasons best unknown to me, then so be it. Will that stop me from continuing the feeling? I don't think so. Sticky situation siah. Tmd.

Silver heart burst in class today. That definitely cheered me up for awhile, as sadistic as this sounds.

How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Bringing sexy back,
F.

We shall not sleep.

2009-02-09T13:31:12Z

Today's post will be damn short & precise. For reasons I don't really want to share.

Anyway, this is my daily routine of going to school. Just the front bit.
6.15AM: Leave house to walk to bus-stop.
6.18AM: Reach bus stop. Wait.
6.20AM: Bus arrives.

Today, 9th February 2009, at 6.19AM, just a minute after I reached the bus-stop, while listening to my Creative Zen Vision W & Looking across the road to the other bus-stop, a woman got knocked down by a car. Right in front of my eyes. I could literally feel blood draining from my face.

So today at morning assembly when us Saints had scripture reading, for the first time I prayed to Allah about something/someone else that is not related or pertaining to me.

Today, my prayer wasn't about something trivial & naive & self-centred, like, hoping the day would rain so that training would be cancelled, or that I would lose another 1kg or so. No, today I prayed for the safety of my family & loved ones. I prayed that in one way or another, somehow, God or whatever other factor open their eyes & see that life is fragile, precious, & we're constantly exposed to the vulnerability of losing control of our own lives. I also prayed for that woman who got knocked down, & I hope that she gets a second chance at life & learn her lessons. I prayed that her family would stand by her side throughout this entire ordeal. I prayed that the driver would have a peace of mind, & also learn his lessons. I prayed that he doesn't get into too much trouble, & that the affected parties get out of this situation in the best & most pleasant way possible.

& as for me, I learnt a bunch of lessons that no amount of textbooks or hours of tutorials can ever teach me.

God bless,
Faizzah.

There's a hole in my soul.

2009-02-08T03:28:35Z

Wlaoxz I have like, 3 damn troublesome homework to be done (Lit poem essay, GP AQ & Chem Prac), & I'm like moving at the speed of snail. Maybe even slower! I just want to watch TV ):

Speaking of which, did I mention that the living room TV is spoilt? Like, almost 2 months ago lah. So recently we got a new Philips LDC TV. It comes with the leg so you can place it on the table or wherever you feel like placing that thing, but NO, my mum just decided to mount it on the wall! Not that I have anything much against TVs mounted on walls, just that, aiyah. OK fine so I do but really! However, the funky part about the TV is that it has like, lights at the back of the TV, that will synchronize with the colour of the background of the scene you're watching.

So I was watching "300" again this morning & the light was mostly just grey.

Argh I better get back to homework. If I have the mood I'll post another entry later in the day. & that also depends if my right arm would co-operate & be a whole lot better today. I shall elaborate on that if I update again later, too!

Bringing sexy back,
F.

If I were James Bond.

2009-02-06T13:11:34Z

I'm very amused by the fact that my stupid Leonardo Dicaprio dream became a hit story for a whole week! (: Especially among 9th & some S27 people. & Lit people too lol. I'm anticipating more dumb dreams to put up in my blog for your reading pleasure yay!

I went for training today after like, what, 2 weeks or so being MIA from Touch Rugby. Ho Ho even thought I'm no longer in the CCA because he rarely saw me in trainings already. Pfftxz! & next Monday, some J1s are already joining us for training, or more specifically, Touch Rugby Clinic. It's like, not trials, just some form of exposure shitto. Hopefully some nice girls join the CCA. But from the groups of juniors I've seen, I think I can simply dream of such hopes lah. Like, Leah & Boon Ling & some other friends of theirs saw my black, OMGXZ-STFU look when OGxx did some stupid cheer while walking past me, blocking my way.

I believe that was the day they went out for some Amazing Race. My God chill lah kids it was sheltered area. Don't need to shout so loud right! & you guys should have seen the smugness plastered in each & everyone's faces while screaming their asses off. On a lighter note I'd kill to have such people in my House; makes cheering jobs so much easier. *smug face*

I think I'm on a really low level of tolerance these days, & I can spot that for myself. Besides the abovementioned incident, there was the spontaneous temper-flare-up at the foyer, which my friends witnessed. & another this morning, during Math lect when I suddenly didn't feel like talking & being irritated at like, almost everyone. Siao.

When I was having dinner in my room just now (do not comment on my terribly bad habit thanks but wth you guys will not fulfill this request anyway), there was Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid on TV. & I have no idea what the shit that movie was about. But I was watching this scene where a character named Gayle was using her cell phone to contact like, friends or rescue reinforcements or something. I believe they were in some isolated, almost-out-of-civilisation kind of place with terrible reception. So she kept going, "Hey can you here me? How about now? Can you hear me now? Now? Maybe now? Can you hear me? Now?" So she was pissing everyone in the group (and me) off. & she fell off the boat that they were in okay how silly bimbotic of her right? & she got a cut in the process (silly bimbo) & she was like, waddling in the water & stuff. So her blood was like, gushing and spreading around the river. & a crocodile came. You know her friends were like, holding out a bamboo pole for her to grab so that they can pull her back, but no, she kept yelling & screaming for help & bawling her eyes out (silly bimbo) on the spot, so the crocodile like, bit her. One of the guys jumped into the river to save her; the crocodile nearly killed him, & he was so heroic to like, stab the croc with his knife & stuff.

So once everyone was back on the boat,
Hero (don't know name sorry): Are you okay?
Gayle silly bimbo: *nods* I lost my cell phone.

WTFFFFFFFFFF! Hello?! Someone risked his life to save yours, & not even a simply thank you? You're more concerned about your stupid cell phone that can't even work for nuts! Omg at that point of time I could have just smashed my plate on the screen, but considering the mess that I would've made & it was my bedroom after all & I realised it wouldn't have been a good channel for venting my anger, so I changed my mind. But I would love to meet the director, or the producer, or the scriptwriter, or maybe the actress herself. Either way, one of these people will get a piece of my mind.

& just something random before I end the post,

I miss OG 13 ):

Nvm. Tomorrow's great array of events for me will compensate for the above loss.

Bringing sexy back,
Fafa.

Damn you 16-year-olds!

2009-02-02T09:52:37Z

Why is it that people hardly leave comments at my blog? So sad ): I always anticipate some random comments after every post (or at least the long, filled-with-substance ones). HMPH! Upset de worxz!

Anyway, today we experienced the first day of packed-like-sardines cafe! My God! Like I could hardly breathe (ok extreme exaggeration). But goodness gracious! Good for the guys lah; can girl-patrol. Us girls can't simply look at younger guys & ogle at them. We can, but that's simply wrong! Meh & the TK people in SAJC are like, the low-key people. I know Faizah, Xiao Jia, Rohaida (saw her only when I walked past her table lol though I don't know her personally), Jia Min. Didn't see Jessica though; Imma was the one who said she's been posted to SAJC. Apparently it's like the Vanessa's gang, without the leader herself. Oh well. I'm no longer concerned about those trivial stuff. More importantly, the once pretty barren & manageable cafe is now super packed! Thanks lah we don't need to eat anymore. & for once, that's a goddamn queue in the girls toiletSSSSS. 1st floor & 2nd floor toilets were simply hogged by those younger ones peesh! The nerve to stare at me & Deborah some more!

Staring at tomorrow's timetable, I can just cry.
11-12: H2 Chem Lect (LT2)
12-1: H2 Econs Tut (H302)
1-2.30: H1 GP Tut (H302)
2.30-3.30: H1 ELit Lect Make-Up (H301)
And I have to sustain through my 4.5hrs of consecutive lessons with a meagre 1hr break after PE (9-10) -.-
If that's not bad enough,
8-10PM: Tuition.
HOLY CRAP!

To hell with positive thinking.

Freedom, Beauty, Truth & Love,
F.

A thousand faces made active by one lie.

2009-02-01T07:00:42Z

I woke up with a start this morning, due to an extremely weird dream.
Certain content of the dream included:

I shall try to go slightly in detail regarding this bizarre dream of mine.

At first, I was a star replicating Moulin Rouge. Of course, in it's appropriate settings & stuff, not some chapalang filming area in the back alleys of Geylang or something. We were shooting my favourite scene (Satine went to the Duke, while Christian sings his sorrowful El Tango de Roxanne with the rest of the Spectacular Spectacular crew). I cannot remember exactly how this portion of the dream ended, but I know I "escaped" crying, and...

...that's where I bumped into Leonardo Dicaprio HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I can recall this part of the dream more clearly so sit back & enjoy. Dicaprio, me, MPP (if Deborah reads this omg I bet she'll choke on whatever she's munching lol!), and some other random people; we were in a group, & for some reason, we were walking around in town. All of us also knew each other okay, fyi (Dicaprio knew me personally *swoooooons!*). & MPP is a certain girl but she shall remain undisclosed okay!

So anyway, I have like this major crush on Dicaprio but I thought he was in love with MPP instead. Then, it came to a point where word was spread, and Dicaprio had to choose. Then all the stupid shit drama rose; & I thought he wasn't going to choose me, but he confessed that he never liked MPP since the beginning. Wah sialah tears of joy but guess what? I told him I had to take time off to think & wtf! MPP took the opportunity to like, flirt with him & seduce him, stuff like that. I was so pissed off because Dicaprio was slowly but surely falling for her dumb tricks. Wlaoxz.

Then for some reason, in my virtual dream world, I received an SMS from Louisa that I was getting late for training. And while I was walking to the nearest interchange (Oh we're in Singapore, btw, if you still thought we're in some angmoh region), suddenly I saw the entire touch team there & Naomi was like, probing me with questions of my whereabouts. & I stupidly told them about the Dicaprio drama. Then while the entire team tried to get me to go back to him, & fight for my rights, Naomi kept pulling me & stopping me from turning back to return to the place where I last saw Dicaprio. Don't know what's her problem lah lol.

I somehow broke free from Naomi but then my legs dragged me to my cousin's house. & she was making me run errands in her clustered-from-head-to-toe-with-junk apartment. Like, making me search for 2 of her wallets in her bedroom. Dumb right? What I remembered was that I couldn't take it anymore, I just threw her stupid wallets in her face & ran out & got into bus 31, & I was already at Broadrick secondary there, the Old Airport Road busstop. & there, I saw Dicaprio. I alighted & ran, & stupid MPP was there with him, &I could see him struggling to break free from her grasp but she wouldn't let go & he saw me & wanted to run. I was shouting to him but he couldn't hear me because Naomi was screaming for me.

& the dream ended there. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
THANKS AH NAOMI!

Dreams aside, I'm pretty pleased that I have done some homework, but still have more to complete. Argh why does the burden never seem to end? & I just remembered that this is Week 5, which means I have about a month to prepare myself for BT1. Goodness gracious time flies, & I'm not even having fun!

Freedom, Beauty, Truth & Love,
F.

PS: Have you ever listened to When I Grow Up by PCD, for 24 times consecutively? If you haven't, word of advice: Don't.