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(no subject) [Mar. 2nd, 2020|06:17 am]


No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
The dream that you wish will come true.
Link1|What say you?

everything has its time, its place, its purpose [Oct. 6th, 2011|09:39 pm]
[Mood |thankfulthankful]


Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world
Are the ones who do.
- Steve Jobs (1995-2011)

I don't know the reason, let alone how to explain, why I am extremely moved by Jobs' death. I mean, am I an Apple fan? I won't call myself one, though I definitely cannot deny Apple's impact on technology and the world we know/live in today. A huge part of living now owes so much to Apple's (and by that, Jobs') innovation and creativity, such that ripping it away now would likely to impair human lives. And of course, it would not matter to me, literally, if he passed on because I don't know him personally (and likewise he definitely hadn't known I'd existed or owned some of his genius products), neither has he impacted my life so drastically that I feel indebted to him. You know, those things. Yet, his death pulled the emotional strings of my heart that Winehouse's passing, or even MJ's, couldn't.

I always listened, but never quite understood, every time people said that everything in this world has its place, its time and its purpose. Believers of God would say that He has it all planned and when they're meant to be, somehow they will be. Jobs' death, happening at this juncture of my life when I am most uncertain and most helpless, is just the "perfect" time to step back and reflect on life. Because of all the tributes to the great man that is filling up the news feed of my Facebook wall, as well as being the top trending topic and most rapid tweet topic on Twitter; one particular tribute sunk deep, and that was the famous 2005 Stanford University Commencement Address. And as I was watching this video (available on YouTube), I jotted down his quotes (which are now the status updates and tweets of many all over the world) and reflected deep about my life at this point. I will be using his 3 stories (from the speech) and his quotes from each story, to also share my thoughts and reflections.

1. Connecting The Dots.
You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it lead you off the well-worn path. And that would make all the difference.
And that is exactly the problem I am facing right now, at least academically. I'm beginning to lose trust that things will turn out fine eventually. I feel like I am losing the motivation and drive, as each minute passes by, to work hard for. My family ties are beginning to be strained severely, and I feel lonely in a house that used to be home, where my heart truly was. I found it silly, foolish even, to trust destiny and karma. And, probably due to that, I cannot trust my heart and have confidence to take another step forward. But Jobs suggested that believing (especially in myself) is the solution to gathering the confidence I desperately need. And I guess, there is no harm in having a little trust. Just braving it all, would make all the difference already.

2. Love & Lost.
Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith... You've got to find what you love, and that it as true for work as it is for your lovers... As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it... So keep looking; don't settle.
I am emotionally weak. The moment I find myself in an undesirable situation, I give up on myself and everything I've worked for. I will be honest in saying that in my 13years of studying, doing this degree is by far the most I enjoy and love. It might not be something that I pursue for the rest of my life but at this juncture, I can safely say I have found what I love, and I shall settle while the love lasts. But I think I don't enjoy it anymore when "life throws bricks at me". Because I lose the faith. But Jobs has taught me that faith and love have to be the unwavering driving forces in me, to get through life's challenges. Even at work now, as I begin to enjoy it less, I'll try to find the aspects of it that I (still) love, till the day that I can't anymore. And I vow to keep searching. I read somewhere that "Doing what you like is freedom; Liking what you do is happiness."

3. Death.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life, because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of Death, leaving only what is truly important... No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to Heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet, Death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is as it should be. Because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It's Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now, the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old, and be cleared away... Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important: have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Need I say more? Everything changes, things come and things go. Thoughts will change, wishes will change, thoughts and opinions will change. But the heart and intuition will remain the inner and the true voice. And what I truly want to become, is already in me, regardless of my environment.

This post might not be a tribute to Jobs per se; the whole world has done and will continue to do better job at that than I possibly can. But my way of remembering him and his great legacy, is by living by his words and his advice. If Stanford University graduates couldn't, well Jobs could rest in peace knowing that he has got one person in this world who has his words of wisdom ingrained in her heart.

Rest in peace, Steve.
LinkWhat say you?

You had my heart inside your hands [Jun. 12th, 2011|10:43 am]
[Mood |numbnumb]
[Music |Christina Perri: Jar of Hearts.]


Broken Heart, originally uploaded by Matthew Kendig.

Every girl dreams of that moment,
When she wishes for her true love to shout to the world
That he loves her,
And then he whispers into her ears "I Love You"
Because she is his world.

[Jun 13th 2011, Whatsapp]
12:55AM: ...we're not the only human beings here.
12.55AM: maybe it's not about you all the time
12.55AM: it's not Faizzah all the time
12.55AM: live with that
12.56AM: it's not Faizzah's world here

What do you do when the very person who is the only one capable of mending your broken heart and making everything all right once again, gives up in doing so & caused the heart to grow cold & numb?

X,
F.

LinkWhat say you?

Love's our game. [May. 22nd, 2011|03:28 am]
[Mood |gratefulgrateful]
[Music |Cheryl Cole: Parachute.]


I Love You, originally uploaded by trisarahhtops.

Where have you been all my life?

Have I mentionedbefore, that I am in love with the greatest person on Earth? In that case, how selfish am I to hold back such vital information to my (Idk if they're still existent) readers. Or to anyone who even cares. But it's fine; I don't care if no one does. I'm just concerned about this particular boy who successfully put a genuine smile back to my face, and constantly and effortlessly does so since.

His name is Zarin. He has a very cute smile, with a dimple on his right cheek. He has a very amiable and friendly character, and something very charming about him is that he is so ticklish. He giggles and smiles and laughs at every sort of thing that comes his way. In that sense, he has a very carefree, fun-loving nature which I totally adore, because as I came to grow up into the 20th year of my life, I seem to be very uptight and stressed out about things. Zarin, on the other hand, takes life easy and lets loose, while still knowing to get down to business when situations call for it.

We met on December 13th when I began work at the museum. From then on, I knew things weren't ever gonna be the same & thank God for His divine intervention. I've never been happier since. Zarin never fails to make me smile, laugh and I think he even managed to return the twinkle in my eye which my friends have always noticed and commented, which I believed to have disappeared for quite some time. Zarin sees the beauty in things which we ordinary people just overlook. He loves me for who I really am, and I cannot be more appreciative for. I thank the Heavens for this blessing.

And currently I miss his smile, his hair, his smell, his quirky acts, his hugs, his kisses, his voice. I miss him. I'd kill to see him even for a minute or so, and I won't ever leave this little fellow for the world, because I love him more than life.

I'm in love with you, bee! I miss you, ZS.

X,
F.

LinkWhat say you?

Which shade shall I be. [Apr. 6th, 2011|06:06 am]

envy_01, originally uploaded by th4letterFwordxoxo.

I saw green, even though it was unwarranted.

I am a girl full of jealousy, it is my nature. There is no denying. If I were to be labelled by one of the 7 Deadly Sins, Envy would definitely be it. While it is inevitable that at one juncture of your life you'd probably experience jealousy and extreme envy, the question is if the emotion is warranted.

I came across something that I wish I hadn't. And I wished my curiosity didn't overwhelm me, and let my ignorant/indifferent self take control at that point in time. But no, I let my thoughts to wander and start forming my own theories. And my insecurities also began to set in. My outward appearance, my personality character traits, mind and thoughts.

How do I perform compared to her, them? How do I fare against those beauties? How do I express myself, my thoughts, my opinions, my sadness, my anger, my love? What did they have that I might lack? What do I have that they didn't? Where are they in your life now?

I imagined their dates, dinners, hugs & kisses. Their text exchanges, their late-night sessions. I imagine him cocooning her and wrapping her safely in his arms. She, the small petite fragile vulnerable gorgeous girl with minimal insecurities and filled with optimism for life. With sparkle in her eyes and a glint of mischief and youth. The glow emitting from her face when she smiles. Her perfect eyebrows soft against her fair flawless skin. Her cheeks, rosy; her lips, luscious and irresistable. She, perfect.

I imagined it all, in the persona of a green-eyed monster. And I know I have nothing to fear because they, or she, are merely figments of my imagination and ghosts of his past now. But there, where I saw it with my very own eyes, were evidence of your love for her. We are young with almost no concrete or solid foundation. With nothing to prove to the world just yet. Your reluctance worries me.

So is this envy still unwarranted?

X,
F.

LinkWhat say you?

A new breed. [Jan. 12th, 2011|03:39 pm]
[Mood |contentcontent]
[Music |Diddy: Last Night (Feat. Keyshia Cole).]

I shall be silent and watchful,
As the wise & often misunderstood ol' owl.

Shame on me; I've abandoned this blog once again. But that's exactly the thing with blogs & diaries, isn't it? We only call upon them to pen down certain significant things/thoughts in our heads & hearts, or when people actually treasure what you write. In any case, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm like 12 days late (in the blog world, at least) but still, I have a feeling 2011 will bring happier & more prosperous days; agree, no? I managed to pen down my resolutions for this year & I truly hope I can achieve them & fulfill them faithfully. So today I kick-started one of 'em: To swim once a week. (: I feel great, but definitely tired since it's been a pretty darn long time since I've swum.

Mama also returned from Bangkok yesterday afternoon & to my delight, she really helped find some pretty apparel (including shoes! But of course, not without the help of the pictures I sent her via e-mail a few days before she flew off). That was definitely the icing on the cake, to top off my already-great day at work. Did I mention? I'm working at the Art Museum. It's truly fun there; the people, the environment, & the greatest fun for me is that I get to interact with some of the more interesting people in the world. Some of the tourists or even locals are truly  pleasant people, who make me believe that there are still plentiful of respectable & courteous people around. Getting to people-watch is a bonus!

School is also starting in slightly less than 2weeks. I'm experiencing a mixture of feelings, from excitement, to nervousness (once again), to anxiety & comfort (because I'm back to doing what I do best - study!). I can't wait to see my friends, get back to studying, hopefully performing equally well as I did last semester. Exams results are gonna be released next week too; I'm truly praying that I did well enough to kick-start my Bachelor's life. Otherwise, I'd be so bummed out, I'm afraid it might affect me for the next few semesters! Grr.

On the less than pleasant note, for those who've yet to hear this (there are plenty, I believe), I'm back to singlehood. It was not a pretty period of time definitely; tears were shed, words were exchanged, drastic actions done. But I guess in life, we gain some & we lose some. I might not sound as regretful or sad about it because honestly, I'm not. I feel free & I feel energized to start the year anew, almost like a person reborn with a great future & exciting ambition to achieve. Rah! (:

As for now, I'm just gonna take each day as it comes while at the same time, keep all my near-future goals in check, just to stay on the right track. I'm also gonna bask in the warmth & happiness of family & friends,  I pray for everyone to have a great 2011 ahead.

X,
F

LinkWhat say you?

Stuck in time. [Nov. 30th, 2010|04:11 am]
[Mood |blahblah]
[Music |Backstreet Boys: I Still...]


The Past and Pending, originally uploaded by Terra Kate.

How I wish I could stay in limbo
Then you'd find me hypnotizing & mysterious

Mr. Boyfriend's been asking if I'd update my blog & initially I had no intention to; not at least until the exams are over but I'm seriously dead bored, & revision is so fucking irritating & boring & strenuous & mundane & I just needed a quick stress-relief.

What's been happening the past few weeks are seriously irrelevant as well. Mostly assignments & tests/quizzes, where unfortunately but frankly, I must say, I saw the good, bad & downright ugly side of people. But what do you expect right? It's NTU at the end of the day - it's a freaking Chinese-ified school so live with the damn culture, I guess. Actually, thinking of school kind of pisses me off so I shall just move on. I just gotta say that I'll be fucking glad that exams are gonna be over in less than a month's time. 21st Dec 7.30pm, you shall be my liberty hour.

Anw I'm quite glad that I've a potential job. I am in need of money & Christmas time is always a good time to have extra income, not because I've anyone to shop for, but because year-end sales are here & some of the good items deserve to be in my no-more-space wardrobe, really. Plus, I just received news that I'll be pretty much alone this Christmas, so why not just self-entertain right? Mother & Boyfriend both going holidays, I shall be stuck in rainy Singapore.

God knows what shall come along with the looming Semester 2. I hope it goes pretty fast as well, hopefully I survive just as well (if not better) then - the last thing I need is to lose steam, & by then I can slowly look forward to the Boyfriend being around more often. Well, if that's god or bad, shall remain to be seen.

I feel like I should return to HG102 revision but I feel like I deserve to watch an episode of Project Runway as well. Sigh. Fuck school.

X,
F.

Link1|What say you?

Memories & dreams. [Nov. 12th, 2010|04:31 am]
[Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Music |Backstreet Boys: I Still...]


sandglass, originally uploaded by wuxiao.

Slipping through our fingers, like the sands of time.

I'm extremely busy these few days (and the few weeks to come) such that I barely have time to blog, or Tumblr, or whatever else that I used to do frequently to relieve myself off stress & academic exhaustion. I really cannot fathom how things changed so drastically since recess week. Like, during the 1-week break, I remembered on top of my academic study plan, managing to complete some revision, readings, and assignments. But these days, not only are my self-revision being stalled, but things are piling up & I'm feeling like I'm not my usual 1-step-ahead in things. Worse off, things are definitely taking a toll, & I'm sure I'm feeling it because I'm already beginning to cry, left right centre.

Just to bore with you some of the things that've bugged me since:
1. I didn't score so well for my 3rd quiz which I had in that particular week (3 tests, one for each consecutive day that week). I guess that bothered me a little up till now (well not anymore, because there are far greater things I'm stressed out with).
2. Assignments are piling up/deadlines are looming near.
3. I'm falling far behind in readings.
4. I have an increasing amount of sleep debt.
5. I've to worry about other things too, namely relationship, money & family.

I think it's not fair sometimes, to think that students have nothing to worry about but studies & examinations & CCAs. Like, sometimes when I'm with the family & the parents seem to think that I've no right to be tired, seeing that "all you do is study". Like, wtf? What's worse than physical exhaustion is definitely mental exhaustion, & I guess that's what I'm suffering from right now.

This weekend, I was thinking of just taking a break & dedicate some "me" time, in resting & gathering my chi back. But looks like I've project meeting to attend, an evening with Jesh, & Sunday I've training. I think I'm gonna sleep after 4pm on Sunday (end of training) until Monday, when I return back to NTU. & I better remind myself to study for HG101 test. Gotta get back in the game this time round. And I still don't know if Shahdan is gonna meet me this weekend. Idk what's up with that guy, random.

Gotta get back to readings. I've still another 9-10 to go (for HG210 essay assignment) & I'm still partially clueless about this essay fuck. Gotta read more. Grrrrrrrrrr. Have a blessed weekend to all, though. I might be having a shitty one (ok lah not that bad, honestly!), but it doesn't mean y'all can't have brighter ones. & definitely pray for better days ahead, everyone (: God is Almighty.

X,
F.

LinkWhat say you?

Ignorance VS Indifference. [Nov. 7th, 2010|05:55 am]
[Mood |happyhappy]
[Music |Eminem: Beautiful.]


loub, originally uploaded by th4letterFwordxoxo.

In my shoes, just to see how it's like to be me;
I'll be you, let's trade shoes just to see what it'd be like.

 

I spent like a good 15-20mins bawling my eyes out last night to Mr Boyfriend. It was purely unintentional. I think the stress and anger and disappointment got to me. & despite feeling guilty that I lashed it all out on the victim (innocent boyfriend who didn't do anything to provoke me), I definitely felt much better after a whole wave of burden seems to have left my shoulders. Like I told him, I know it's a temporal relief & the problem won't go away if I don't do anything about it, but at least for now I'm taking one thing at a time.

Anw, these days I'm sleeping late, because I'm once again addicted to watching cooking competition shows on YouTube. I just finished watching MasterChef USA (seriously that show has so many loopholes, it's almost a waste of time watching; such biasness, so bloody evident. Grr. Let's just say I watched it for Gordon Ramsay), and now I'm back to Hell's Kitchen USA Season 8. So sad, Jean-Philippe is no longer the Maitre D' of the restaurant. Now it's some new lack-of-character James fellow. & apparently every season, the contestants get better so the drama is less on the cooking (or lack thereof), and more of the contestants' attitudes. Grr.

I'm super unproductive these days. In fact, for the past 3 days of my long weekend, I've done almost nothing, save for Marketing presentation (I've yet to do thorough research & work on my ppt slides for it yet), and my HG101 assignment (but it's not 100% complete - need to finetune, but basically the meat of the assignment's alrdy in) & of course, HW102 surveys. Sigh man I need to print out the readings to start on my essay (fucking hell it's the greatest source of my academic stress right now) and readings for my Sem 1 mods. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Just can't wait for next Saturday already. I've been promised by my awesome boyfriend a whole day out together (after 10million years of not being able to do so) & finally we can go to F21. Pretty clothes better be there for me to grab hold of. & speaking of which, I need a part-time/weekend job. Anyone?

X,
F.

PS: Aren't those Louboutins in the picture damn fucking awesome? I am serious when I told Jesh that I demand an entire walk-in shoe closet in our home next time. To be filled with all the prettiest, most wicked Ferragamos, Louboutins, Miu Mius, Chanels, Dries Van Notens, D&Gs, Givenchys and more!

LinkWhat say you?

Web of love. [Nov. 5th, 2010|12:25 pm]
[Mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[Music |Bruno Mars: Just The Way You Are.]


Love Spins, originally uploaded by sarah france lovesdesign*.

Love is such an intricate matter;
Be careful so as not to get tangled into a weave of mess.

 

Sometimes I truly feel as though love is an epitome of the Law of the Diminishing Marginal Utility. For those who don't take Econs/don't recall this concept, well, I won't bore you with the technicalities. Basically, I admit feeling that perhaps the greatest satisfaction is derived at the initial point of it, and as time goes by, we might not treasure it and appreciate it as well as we did at the beginning any longer. In that sense, we might possibly overlook the entire reason why we even valued love in the first place.

Also, you know how they said it takes one small mistake to mar your reputation or image for the rest of your life (or if you're lucky enough, at least for a large portion of your life)? You could've done good the entire time you've been living, but this one wrong move/deed/impression immediately casts you on the wrong end. Unfortunately, I've been an unlucky victim once again. I recall how I lost my English teacher's trust (and I don't suppose I fully earned it back), and I also lost my dad's trust for a long period of time as well.

Just last night, I was wrongly judged and I'm more than certain this inaccurate impression the person has of me will last for a very long time, if not forever (though it'd be at the back of the mind, if it ever dissipated). But I guess it was my doing. After all, you've no excuse for being the cause of your own downfall, have you?

(Jonathan Rhys Myers on TV now, fucking distracting me from my intense blogging & pouring out my heart's content)

Anw, back to my point, here's the deal; picture yourself in this situation: You have been anticipating meeting your significant other for a jolly long time, especially since this date would be to celebrate a special day. Plus, your other would be very occupied for the majority of the days to come, so this date would mean a great deal, in the sense that you're treasuring the snippets of moments that you two have.

So you rush off from training, so as to be quickly prepared & not waste precious time (you hold an assumption that the date would be pretty early in the evening, which, to your dismay, is a false assumption). & then you've also been notified an hour before your date, that you'd have company, but no matter, because you're very familiar with the company & enjoys his presence & also haven't met up with him for a pretty long time. Obviously, by now, the thoughts of having a 1-on-1 special night with your significant other is out of the picture, and instead, you switch gear to having a great night of good time with people very much dear to you.

Here's when the real heartache begins: Your other & the other company engages in a conversation that you really cannot get involved in, either by invitation or by self-initiation. You have no common grounds with these people. So what do you do in such scenarios? You'd do what normal people, like I, did - keep silent until you're addressed. Sad for me, that didn't happen until late into the night. & my being engaged in a proper conversation didn't even last half an hour collectively. This could be accrued to my being deeply hurt (by then), and fatigue, and not feeling well.

As such, dyou suppose I have a reason for being moody and snappy? Perhaps. & that was basically how I was for the rest of the night. And apparently this was my big undoing. Because after I was fetched home, a certain judgment was passed that I was being a snappy person to my significant other, and I can accurately infer that I was seen as a mean person, unjustly treating my significant other in a manner that was unbefitting, and my treatment was uncalled for; harsh, even.

Idk if I'm being self-victimising here, but based on such circumstances, am I still wrong to behave the way I did? & the thing is, if I were misjudged by someone whom I had no concerns for, I wouldn't have mind or I would brush it off. But to hear it come from someone whom I respect and have come to appreciate, is upsetting. And then, to know that the person I truly love didn't strongly vouch for me is simply heartbreaking. Sure, you explained that it was of no big deal, but it didn't justify my actions. It did not, in any way, make me look less villainous.

Even with tears pouring down my face at this moment, I'm slowly but surely telling myself, that I shouldn't make myself be affected anymore. If I'm ever going to be stood up for, well, that's the other party's call, not mine. My righteousness, I can only express when I'm allowed to & given the chance to. Otherwise, people will always have their opinions & right or wrong, I cannot help it.

& once again, I guess my idea of love as an idealistic one can never be on par with his idea of love as a practical one. I dream of my significant other singing Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are while looking into my eyes & deep into my soul. I dream of sweet surprises that even I cannot think of, and I dream of romance.

But he wishes for loyalty & leaving it to fate and taking things as each day passes. & the more I think about it, the less I see our ideas overlap/subset each other, & the more I see them as separate entities. But don't get me wrong or doubt me; I don't love him any less today as I did yesterday.

X,
F.

PS: "What would you do for love?" is becoming an old question. I guess it's come down to "What wouldn't you do for love?"

LinkWhat say you?

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