| [ | Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Bruno Mars: Just The Way You Are. | ] |
Love is such an intricate matter;
Be careful so as not to get tangled into a weave of mess.
Sometimes I truly feel as though love is an epitome of the Law of the Diminishing Marginal Utility. For those who don't take Econs/don't recall this concept, well, I won't bore you with the technicalities. Basically, I admit feeling that perhaps the greatest satisfaction is derived at the initial point of it, and as time goes by, we might not treasure it and appreciate it as well as we did at the beginning any longer. In that sense, we might possibly overlook the entire reason why we even valued love in the first place.
Also, you know how they said it takes one small mistake to mar your reputation or image for the rest of your life (or if you're lucky enough, at least for a large portion of your life)? You could've done good the entire time you've been living, but this one wrong move/deed/impression immediately casts you on the wrong end. Unfortunately, I've been an unlucky victim once again. I recall how I lost my English teacher's trust (and I don't suppose I fully earned it back), and I also lost my dad's trust for a long period of time as well.
Just last night, I was wrongly judged and I'm more than certain this inaccurate impression the person has of me will last for a very long time, if not forever (though it'd be at the back of the mind, if it ever dissipated). But I guess it was my doing. After all, you've no excuse for being the cause of your own downfall, have you?
(Jonathan Rhys Myers on TV now, fucking distracting me from my intense blogging & pouring out my heart's content)
Anw, back to my point, here's the deal; picture yourself in this situation: You have been anticipating meeting your significant other for a jolly long time, especially since this date would be to celebrate a special day. Plus, your other would be very occupied for the majority of the days to come, so this date would mean a great deal, in the sense that you're treasuring the snippets of moments that you two have.
So you rush off from training, so as to be quickly prepared & not waste precious time (you hold an assumption that the date would be pretty early in the evening, which, to your dismay, is a false assumption). & then you've also been notified an hour before your date, that you'd have company, but no matter, because you're very familiar with the company & enjoys his presence & also haven't met up with him for a pretty long time. Obviously, by now, the thoughts of having a 1-on-1 special night with your significant other is out of the picture, and instead, you switch gear to having a great night of good time with people very much dear to you.
Here's when the real heartache begins: Your other & the other company engages in a conversation that you really cannot get involved in, either by invitation or by self-initiation. You have no common grounds with these people. So what do you do in such scenarios? You'd do what normal people, like I, did - keep silent until you're addressed. Sad for me, that didn't happen until late into the night. & my being engaged in a proper conversation didn't even last half an hour collectively. This could be accrued to my being deeply hurt (by then), and fatigue, and not feeling well.
As such, dyou suppose I have a reason for being moody and snappy? Perhaps. & that was basically how I was for the rest of the night. And apparently this was my big undoing. Because after I was fetched home, a certain judgment was passed that I was being a snappy person to my significant other, and I can accurately infer that I was seen as a mean person, unjustly treating my significant other in a manner that was unbefitting, and my treatment was uncalled for; harsh, even.
Idk if I'm being self-victimising here, but based on such circumstances, am I still wrong to behave the way I did? & the thing is, if I were misjudged by someone whom I had no concerns for, I wouldn't have mind or I would brush it off. But to hear it come from someone whom I respect and have come to appreciate, is upsetting. And then, to know that the person I truly love didn't strongly vouch for me is simply heartbreaking. Sure, you explained that it was of no big deal, but it didn't justify my actions. It did not, in any way, make me look less villainous.
Even with tears pouring down my face at this moment, I'm slowly but surely telling myself, that I shouldn't make myself be affected anymore. If I'm ever going to be stood up for, well, that's the other party's call, not mine. My righteousness, I can only express when I'm allowed to & given the chance to. Otherwise, people will always have their opinions & right or wrong, I cannot help it.
& once again, I guess my idea of love as an idealistic one can never be on par with his idea of love as a practical one. I dream of my significant other singing Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are while looking into my eyes & deep into my soul. I dream of sweet surprises that even I cannot think of, and I dream of romance.
But he wishes for loyalty & leaving it to fate and taking things as each day passes. & the more I think about it, the less I see our ideas overlap/subset each other, & the more I see them as separate entities. But don't get me wrong or doubt me; I don't love him any less today as I did yesterday.
X,
F.
PS: "What would you do for love?" is becoming an old question. I guess it's come down to "What wouldn't you do for love?" |
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